I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I didn't notice because vodka
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
