Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i out mim tonsoeep
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
