i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
