I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
