i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
