I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
