i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think i got beer on your cat.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
