I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
