I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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