I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
