If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
