He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
