so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
