Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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