i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
