why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
