is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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