What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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