I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
