I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
