handjob tips. give me some.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
