Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
