Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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