I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
