he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
this is an emotional support booty call
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
