2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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