im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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