Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
