Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
