I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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