It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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