I checked into jail on foursquare
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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