Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
