just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
