YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
