you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
