I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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