I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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