its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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