Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
