Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
