my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
