I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
