You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
