I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
