i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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