he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
