why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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