As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
