i dedicated my morning wood to you.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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